The Answer

They aren't just faces and names anymore. They're my children, my students, my life. Every morning, after staff worship, they run to greet me, screaming my name and clinging to my skirt. There's Glorio, quietly and patiently standing in the corner waiting for the door to be unlocked. There's Nancy, laughing hysterically because my ponytail falls in my face when I bend down to pick her up. There's Damien and Evanson, brothers/cousins who cry if the other one doesn't come to school. There's Dick and Claton, who are neighbours and run around their front yard after school, calling to me as I walk past on my way to the grocery store. There's Corey, who has finally stopped flinching when I reach for him. There's Brenda, who talks to me now and doesn't cry when Gunnar teaches them PE. There's Hailey, Kuuipo, Benny, Jeremiah, Banty.... The list could continue for all twenty-five of the little lives that sit in my classroom each day.

They're not just buildings anymore. They're homes, stores, corners for reading and working and watching the sunset. Every day, as I go about my life, I become more and more a part of this place. There's Charles' shop, "The Philippines" and the larger convenience store we call "China". There's the main grocery store, K&K, where you can get everything. There's Wellness, that has the best green smoothies and fish burgers and a gym that you can use every day for free. There's Dick and Claton's houses on the way to K&K. There's Paul's house on the way to Wellness and Evanson and Damien's house on the way to downtown Delap. I know where to find almost anything in town. The store keepers know who we are and ask about the school. I've been from Rita to Laura and everywhere in between.

Somehow, this little island, not even a dot on Google Earth, has become home to me. I didn't think it was possible. I love this place in a strange way. I don't like how small it is, and sometimes I still feel trapped. I don't like how few things there are to do on a weekend. I don't like that I can't go anywhere off-campus without a skirt. Actually, skirts don't really bother me anymore. It's just part of life - like rice, cockroaches, water shortages and slow internet. I have a schedule, a routine, friends, a place to call my own... But most of all, I have happiness.

The last time I posted on this blog, I was asking myself when to call it quits and go home. What followed was a long period of a hidden depression that I surrendered to. I went through the motions of getting up each morning, trying to teach, tutoring in the afternoon and then sitting alone in my apartment. The pages from my journal in that time are filled with complaints, musings and bitter wishes. Then I met Ben and Gunnar, who became my best friends among the SMs here. I was embroiled in a conflict with my roommate. I fell in love and had my heart broken. I fought with God and lost.

Christmas found me back at the beginning of my search for happiness. I was homesick, tired of teaching, tired of being trapped, tired of feeling alone. I stopped praying. I stopped trying.

Enter Katarina Todd.

This girl - where do I begin? In the course of less than four months, she has become the best thing that ever happened to me. Somehow, her arrival, that breath of fresh air, new perspective, new passion, pulled me from my sadness. She moved into my apartment and into my heart. I remember sitting on the floor one night, crying because I can't dance. She didn't laugh. She didn't pity me. She gave me the best pep talk I have ever had about confidence and happiness.



So that's the run-down of what's happened since October. And here's what I've learned:

1. Cockroaches are surprisingly easy to kill if you're fast enough.
2. Rice has endless possibilities.
3. Teaching is not a wise career choice for me.
4. I love teaching my children.
5. It takes time to become a part of anything - be patient.
6. Sometimes God isn't exactly what we think He is. Find Him for yourself.
7. Confidence comes from no one except you and it's a process you have to choose to begin yourself.
8. Giving up is the worst decision you will ever make.
9. I am a valuable person, whether I succeed in what I set out to do or not.
10. Success is more than ABC's and 123's.

Question: "At what point do we stop believing that it's a 'rough patch' and start believing that it's God telling us to do something different?"

Answer: At any point - the real question is what is the different thing God is asking you to do? When I asked that question in my own life, the answer was that I needed to stop evaluating my success as a missionary, and start just being a missionary.

I only have 42 days left here. I don't want to think about it because I cry when I do; but here's my advice to you. Ask the hard questions - really ask. Then go out and find the answer. Don't sit around and wait for someone to just show up and tell you what to do. Take God's hand, put on your big girl pants and go find the answer.