9 Reasons I Wear Make-up That Have Nothing to Do with My Self-Esteem

I am so tired of hearing, "Why do you wear makeup? You're beautiful without it." I know it's a compliment, right? People are saying that you're naturally beautiful and don't need to conform to today's beauty standards to be beautiful. But here's the issue - they are assuming that I'm trying to conform. They are assuming that I'm trying to hide. They are assuming that I have low self-esteem. They are assuming that that's something I want to hear. Do you know what I hear?

"Wow - you aren't very good at makeup. Maybe you should have left your face bare."

I know this isn't what people mean (most of the time), but I'm still going to try to clarify why I choose to wear make-up.


1. It's fun.

As kids, my sisters and I loved painting. We would put on our paint shirts and pull out all our paints and transform three dozen pieces of paper into mini Picassos. And we didn't care how it looked in the end. It was fun. Now, when I wake up in the morning, I get to have fun transforming my face into whatever I want it to be. I'll be real with you - sometimes I put on music and dance and act out movie scenes while blending concealer and smearing on lipstick.

2. It's artistic.

People who put on makeup for a living are called makeup artists for a reason. Not just anybody can get a perfectly sculpted cheekbone or blend eye shadows seamlessly. It takes effort and a lot of practice to put makeup on well - I should know. My first attempts were... well - moving on. Makeup is an art form. Your face is a like a canvas and every morning you get to decide how to transform it. And it's a complex canvas with shapes and colors all its own. And that changes with lighting, season, age, even what color your shirt is! Like I said - it's art.

3. It's professional.

When you have a job interview, you shower and wear modest, functional clothes for the job you want. You do your hair. You do your makeup. It's just part of the professional ensemble. Can you imagine Michelle Obama or Princess Kate showing up to a formal function without a stitch of make-up on? No. You dress up, you do your hair, you do your make-up. It's just what's done. Enough said.

4. It's cultural.

Think back across the past 100 years of society in America. Each era has had a unique makeup look. Think about the world and the many cultures contained within this one globe and the many histories of those countries. Makeup has always had a role in society. I would agree that at times it has disproportionately affected women and our self-images, but can I please remind you that both women and men wore makeup in the French courts? It's just part of our culture and I don't know why people suddenly seem to be hating it.

5. It's exploratory.

There are so many different ways to do your makeup: contouring and nontouring, au naturel or rainbow eyes, tanned or pale. Emphasize your brows, your eyes, your nose, your cheeks, your lips or anything else you want. You can even put makeup on your chest to give yourself bigger breasts or more defined abs! Makeup lets you explore who you are and how you want to show yourself to the world. I went through so many different 'looks' growing up. Can you believe I used to cover my entire eyelid in shimmery green eye shadow? And after exploring that look, I realized that large amounts of bright colors are not my thing.

6. It's social.

I know that not all girls do this, but when I was in high school, there would be four to six girls in my room on the night of banquet or band concerts, everyone getting ready together. We would be exchanging tips, borrowing eye shadows, helping each other with our winged eye liner, telling stories, laughing, and growing closer as friends. When my best friend showed up last weekend as a surprise, we got ready together in the bathroom, sharing makeup and stories and advice equally, just being girls together.

7. It's relaxing.

This is only true when I'm not completely running out of time on a school morning, but on a Sabbath morning, I love to put on some quiet hymns, pull my hair back, and just enjoy the precision and art of putting on my makeup. It helps me to process my thoughts and prepare myself for the day. Some days, I pray while taking this time to myself. I can close the bathroom door and be alone. And sometimes I really need that.

8. It's helpful.

I'm blonde. (I mean physically blonde, not blonde in the mental sense that is so derogatory, by the way.) Have you ever seen a picture of a blonde girl who is wearing not a bit makeup? Yes? I applaud her. No? There's a reason. You can't see our eyelashes or our eyebrows because they are blonde and disappear into our skin. This is not an issue of self-esteem for me. I just get annoyed that you can't see my features. A swipe of mascara and a brush of brow powder makes me look like I have eyes again and people can recognize me from more than six feet away. (Also, I do drama and theatre and under those lights... haha - try looking like anything except a snowman.)

9. It's armor.

Let's be real and raw here. Sometimes your life starts to fall apart. You haven't slept for two days, the stress has given you acne, you just finished crying while sitting on the floor of your shower and now you have to face the whole world with the evidence of your crash and burn week all over your face. This is where makeup is your best friend. You get up, you dress up, you show up. Every single person is not going to ask if you are ok. Your teachers will not question your sanity. You can get through the day in peace. And you'll get better. Until then - concealer, mascara, and lipstick can be your armor and it won't betray you.

Lastly - I want to wear makeup so stop saying I shouldn't! If you're concerned that a girl wears makeup because she hates what her face looks like, try complimenting her instead of telling her what she should or shouldn't do and if you can't do that, just mind your own business. Build up her self-esteem in every area of her life and it will spread to the rest of who she is. Makeup is harmless. It's how we portray its value to little girls and big girls alike. Give us a break and let us just be ourselves - with or without makeup!

Looking Up

Here I am - at home - and it all feels like a dream. One month ago, I was flying across the Pacific ocean in a little white boat, dripping salt water, smiling broadly and counting the flying fishes as they exploded from the bow. Today, I put on a bike helmet and ran into a hail storm to protect the pink petunias in my front yard. One month ago, I had a classroom full of children relying on me to be their teacher, mother, friend and protector. Today, I woke up at 9:30, painted my fingernails, ate a hot dog and watched the Calgary Stampede on television.

So much has changed since I left Majuro. I'm not sure I have the words to explain how I feel at this moment, so I'll just say what's been going on recently.

We flew out of Majuro amidst a tropical rainstorm, just like the day I flew in. I said goodbye to all my SM friends in Honolulu, then continued to LA, then Seattle and finally to Spokane. It was grad weekend at the academy I graduated from and my youngest sister, Kiara, was Junior Class President. My whole family was there, so I joined them for the weekend before driving all the way home. About a week later, I began work at the Alberta Conference Office as a Secretarial assistant to the Vice President of Finance for our church. I work Monday to Thursday, with Friday to Sunday free to relax and enjoy life.

That's where I am now. Camp Meeting is coming up and the office has been almost frantic with preparations. Wednesday, I photocopied nearly 3,000 pages of seminar notes to hand out to attendees. I've been asked to be the editor of the Camp Meeting magazine, called the TODAY Paper, so I'll be working on that on Monday. It's a different summer than I have ever before experienced. I'm not working at summer camp like I have for the past three summers, for various reasons.

Like I said, a lot has changed.

There is one thing that I am excited about. Burman University has asked me to be the Missions Director for this upcoming school year and I have accepted. It was a decision that I did not really make. For months, while I was in Delap, I kept thinking of ideas for the missions program to implement when I came home - events, fundraisers, a newsletter, a Youtube channel, a giant world map with all the SMs that Burman/CUC has ever sent out... the list grew longer and longer. This was all great except that I wasn't part of the executive team for the missions program, so I could submit these ideas, and definitely help with accomplishing them, but it wouldn't be the same. I wasn't discouraged, but my experience with Adventists has not always been positive in the field of event planning and promoting (no offense meant to anyone). I was going to just give the people in charge a list of my ideas and then wait to hear from them, if I ever did.

Then, I got a message from Pastor A, asking if I would be willing to be considered for the position of Missions Director. I thought about it for a couple days, and definitely prayed about it, when I realized that I already had my answer. Why should I overthink this decision, when I had been wanting it for so long and God had prepared me for it by giving me passion and ideas?

So, I said yes. Simple as that.

I prayed for God to give me ways to serve once I got home and this opportunity was dropped into my lap. Why would I say no?

"It's a lot of work."
"It's my passion; therefore, it's not work."

"It's a lot of time."
"I've got time. It's how I use it that's the question."

"It's a lot of responsibility."
"God wouldn't have given it to me if I wasn't ready."

I ran out of excuses, said yes, and have been excited ever since. My degree program is on track, I have a great career-boosting job that I am going to love, and from those two things, I may be able to change the world!

Things are looking up...

Go and Love

"Now which of these three would you say was a neighbour to the man who was attacked by bandits?" Jesus asked.
The man replied, "The one who showed him mercy."
Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same."

The story of the good Samaritan has been told over and over, and countless sermons have been preached on the merits of helping others and not passing them by. Recently, I read it for myself again and I found myself noticing a few things I hadn't seen before.

One day an expert in religious law stood up to test Jesus by asking him this question, "Teacher, what should I do to inherit eternal life?"
Jesus replied, "What does the law of Moses say? How do you read it?"
The man answered, "'You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.' And, 'Love your neighbour as yourself'."
"Right!" Jesus told him. "Do this and you will live!"
The man wanted to justify his actions, so he asked Jesus, "And who is my neighbour?"
Jesus replied with a story: "A Jewish man was traveling on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.
"By chance a priest came along. But when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side.
"Then a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two silver coins, telling him, 'Take care of this man. If his bill runs higher than this, I'll pay you the next time I'm here.'
"Now which of these three would you say was a neighbour to the man who was attacked by bandits?" Jesus asked.
The man replied, "The one who showed him mercy."
Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same."

Luke 10:25-37 NLT

Firstly, I noticed that the story was told by a Jew, about a Jew, to a group of Jews. Translated - the story is about us, it's for us. It's relevant, applicable and personal.

Second, the Bible specifically says that the priest and the Levite saw the man on the road. There can be no excuses made for their neglect. They saw him and chose not to help.

Third, I spotted a formula, a five-step process, to helping those who have found themselves in terrible situations that they cannot escape from.

1. Meet them where they are

• The Samaritan didn't wait for the man to get up off the road, or move to a better place. Think about it - the man was beaten up by robbers, so obviously that stretch of road was not the safest. Yet the Samaritan stopped his own journey to help this man right where he was. 
• Don't wait for someone to get themselves out of a bad situation. Go to them no matter where they are physically or mentally.

2. Help them where they are

• The Samaritan went over to the man and immediately began to administer First Aid. He didn't move him to a better place or take him to the inn right away. He helped the man right there in the middle of the road, where there was dust, blood, scorching sun and the possibility of another bandit attack.
• Jumping in and immediately trying to pull someone out of their harmful situation will only meet with resistence. They will never make it to the 'hospital'. Help them right then and there, even if it's messy and dirty, hot and vulnerable.

3. Bring them out of where they are

• Once the Samaritan had bandaged the wounds of the Jewish man, he put him on his donkey and took him to an inn. He didn't sit him up by the side of the road, wish him a great recovery and continue on his way. Neither did he wait for someone else to come along so that he could ride his own donkey. He walked the rest of the way while this stranger slumped in the saddle.
• Often times we step in and help someone right where they are, and that's great. What we fail to do is help them get out of the awful situation. If we leave them there, they will fall prey to the same problems that lead to their injury as before. We have to gently help them find a safer place and we may have to make a few sacrifices to do that.

4. Surround them with help

• So the Samaritan man has found this man, bandaged him up, brought him to town and leaves him on the doorstep of the nearest inn, right? Wrong. He brings him to the inn and takes care of him for the rest of that day. The next morning, he leaves specific instructions with the innkeeper to ensure the man's recovery. Then he continues on his own journey.
• Once we've rescued someone, we have to realize that we cannot completely recuperate them on our own. As lovely as it sounds, we can't spend every waking moment with this person or we will eventually become incapable of helping them at all. Get together a team of people; build a support network. When they've accepted this help, you can step back.

5. Follow them in their recovery

• Although the Samaritan continued his journey, leaving the Jewish man in the care of the innkeeper, he did not forget about him. He told the innkeeper he would be back to pay the rest of the bill and, presumably, inquire as to the man's health. 
• Even though you step back, you can't step away entirely. You are the one who originally rescued them. Check in and follow up. Stay in their life until they are fully recovered and then teach them to do the same for others.

I sometimes feel sorry for the priest and the Levite. What kind of lives did they lead if they passed by a dying man on the road? How fulfilled could they have felt? What kind of happiness could they have had? And then I realized that they probably had no idea they were missing out on the opportunity for fulfillment and happiness. They probably went home and prayed that God would help the dying man on the road and thought that they had done enough.

Praying is great - please don't misunderstand me. It's a direct communication line to the throne of God and an essential part of our spiritual lives. But I think we've been falsely taught that just praying for others is enough, when often it is not. We have to do more than pray. James 2:15-16 says, "Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, 'Goodbye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well' - but you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?" The priest went home and prayed for the Jewish man. The Levite went home and prayed for the Jewish man. The Samaritan was the answer to that prayer.

Over and over in the Bible, love is described as an action instead of a feeling. 1 Corinthians 13 - the Love Chapter that everyone knows - gives an almost unattainable portrait of the kind of love we should show to others. I say 'almost' because we can achieve that through the grace of Jesus Christ. True love is shown by what you do for others, not what you say; and the truest love was shown by the death of Christ in our place. Without mincing words, 1 John 3:18 says, "Dear children, let's not merely say we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions."

What struck me the most, however, was the last line of this whole story. The original question was how to attain eternal life. The answer is to love God and love your neighbour. Jesus tells a story explaining that everyone is your neighbour and that love means taking action. Then he simply says to go and live that truth. I've recently been hearing a lot of talk about focusing more on our inner purity, sanctifying ourselves, becoming more righteous and setting ourselves apart from the rest of the world in order to get to heaven. While all that is fine to a point, I can't help but remember that Jesus clearly states in this story that you obtain eternal life by:

1. Loving God

2. Loving your neighbour

Everything else in your life is a result of these two things. As you grow in your love for God and those around you, the sin in your life will be replaced with God's righteousness. Rather than striving to become more holy and pure, we must strive to love, then watch as that love pushes every unholy, impure thing out of our lives.

God merely asks us to love - it's a high calling, but a simple one. It's difficult, but straightforward. Love God, love others. Then remember that no matter how hard you work to love God and love others, your salvation is a gift, freely given. Just accept that.

Then go and love.

Halos

Just when I thought I had mastered my classroom, graduation practices begin. I have a whole new species of headache pounding my mind constantly. There is no end to the shrieks, the flying chairs, the running, the crying... I had to step out and just breathe for a while today because I had just gotten my kindergarten class lined up perfectly and quietly when the other kindergarten class flung themselves at my children and pulled them every which direction. I've very nearly cried more once today. It's one of those days when I will be thankful to go home to a house full of grown-ups I like, warm blankets to soften the chill, huge bowls of salad to consume and not a single cockroach to kill.

And then I stop and realize that my chances of returning to this tiny island are almost none. My mom was here thirty years ago, and although she'd love to come back, she hasn't been able to. This last month, these thirty days, are all I have left here. What am I going to leave with?

Well, confidence, for one thing.

More puke stories than I care to share, for another.

And thousands of moments I don't ever want to forget. Brenda smiling at Mr. Gunnar for the first time. Kuuipo asking me how to pray. The sunset at Laura when we spent the whole day there. Running across the huge white sand beach, stretching out my arms to the sunshine and laughing in pure joy. Regretting that I forgot to put on sunscreen that day.

I'll be fine, but I seriously wish my cherubs would regain their halos.

The Answer

They aren't just faces and names anymore. They're my children, my students, my life. Every morning, after staff worship, they run to greet me, screaming my name and clinging to my skirt. There's Glorio, quietly and patiently standing in the corner waiting for the door to be unlocked. There's Nancy, laughing hysterically because my ponytail falls in my face when I bend down to pick her up. There's Damien and Evanson, brothers/cousins who cry if the other one doesn't come to school. There's Dick and Claton, who are neighbours and run around their front yard after school, calling to me as I walk past on my way to the grocery store. There's Corey, who has finally stopped flinching when I reach for him. There's Brenda, who talks to me now and doesn't cry when Gunnar teaches them PE. There's Hailey, Kuuipo, Benny, Jeremiah, Banty.... The list could continue for all twenty-five of the little lives that sit in my classroom each day.

They're not just buildings anymore. They're homes, stores, corners for reading and working and watching the sunset. Every day, as I go about my life, I become more and more a part of this place. There's Charles' shop, "The Philippines" and the larger convenience store we call "China". There's the main grocery store, K&K, where you can get everything. There's Wellness, that has the best green smoothies and fish burgers and a gym that you can use every day for free. There's Dick and Claton's houses on the way to K&K. There's Paul's house on the way to Wellness and Evanson and Damien's house on the way to downtown Delap. I know where to find almost anything in town. The store keepers know who we are and ask about the school. I've been from Rita to Laura and everywhere in between.

Somehow, this little island, not even a dot on Google Earth, has become home to me. I didn't think it was possible. I love this place in a strange way. I don't like how small it is, and sometimes I still feel trapped. I don't like how few things there are to do on a weekend. I don't like that I can't go anywhere off-campus without a skirt. Actually, skirts don't really bother me anymore. It's just part of life - like rice, cockroaches, water shortages and slow internet. I have a schedule, a routine, friends, a place to call my own... But most of all, I have happiness.

The last time I posted on this blog, I was asking myself when to call it quits and go home. What followed was a long period of a hidden depression that I surrendered to. I went through the motions of getting up each morning, trying to teach, tutoring in the afternoon and then sitting alone in my apartment. The pages from my journal in that time are filled with complaints, musings and bitter wishes. Then I met Ben and Gunnar, who became my best friends among the SMs here. I was embroiled in a conflict with my roommate. I fell in love and had my heart broken. I fought with God and lost.

Christmas found me back at the beginning of my search for happiness. I was homesick, tired of teaching, tired of being trapped, tired of feeling alone. I stopped praying. I stopped trying.

Enter Katarina Todd.

This girl - where do I begin? In the course of less than four months, she has become the best thing that ever happened to me. Somehow, her arrival, that breath of fresh air, new perspective, new passion, pulled me from my sadness. She moved into my apartment and into my heart. I remember sitting on the floor one night, crying because I can't dance. She didn't laugh. She didn't pity me. She gave me the best pep talk I have ever had about confidence and happiness.



So that's the run-down of what's happened since October. And here's what I've learned:

1. Cockroaches are surprisingly easy to kill if you're fast enough.
2. Rice has endless possibilities.
3. Teaching is not a wise career choice for me.
4. I love teaching my children.
5. It takes time to become a part of anything - be patient.
6. Sometimes God isn't exactly what we think He is. Find Him for yourself.
7. Confidence comes from no one except you and it's a process you have to choose to begin yourself.
8. Giving up is the worst decision you will ever make.
9. I am a valuable person, whether I succeed in what I set out to do or not.
10. Success is more than ABC's and 123's.

Question: "At what point do we stop believing that it's a 'rough patch' and start believing that it's God telling us to do something different?"

Answer: At any point - the real question is what is the different thing God is asking you to do? When I asked that question in my own life, the answer was that I needed to stop evaluating my success as a missionary, and start just being a missionary.

I only have 42 days left here. I don't want to think about it because I cry when I do; but here's my advice to you. Ask the hard questions - really ask. Then go out and find the answer. Don't sit around and wait for someone to just show up and tell you what to do. Take God's hand, put on your big girl pants and go find the answer.